I'm twenty five ladies and gentleman. The day has finally come. I finally hit a quarter century. How do I feel? I feel old. Every year for my birthday I'd sit down and reflect on a lot of shit. What I'm about to do here is just write about shit that affected me; Certain things, events, people and places that changed me for the worst and for the better.. Everything I can think of. Please forgive me if I'm all over the place these are just thoughts. Please don't be offended if I write about you. If you're in this, I love you so don't be upset. You might find out something crazy about me that you never knew about. Shit I hid out of shame. So just take a walk with me in my mind. I promise you'll come back alive.
Where do I begin? Let's start from the roots-- My family. I was born in Brooklyn, in killer kings county hospital thank god I made it out healthy. I am the oldest of three boys. My youngest brother Jermaine is 20 now and my other brother Curtis is 22. My parents Theresa Kearns and Klaven Jones Sr. I love them all to death, and without them I don't know who I would be.
My brother Curtis: For the early part of our years he was real quiet and timid. He used to be so isolated and we couldn't figure out why. As time passed, we found out that he had a mild case of autism. asperger's disorder actually. It’s similar to autism? Jermaine and I didn't consider him "slow". We treated him the same as we treated our friends. I admit we did tease him, but I think that helped him in the end it helped him prepare for reality. I never liked the way my family used to talk to him. My dad, my brother and I spoke to him like a regular guy, which he is. Everyone else sort of slowed down like do...you....understand. Not that they did it on purpose of course but come on the dude writes as a hobby he'll comprehend. Oh yea my brother writes his ass off. He's into poetry and it's cool to see his imagination channeled into writing. He and my mother published a book together. That is pretty awesome. Many times I was found defending him. He may not know it but I've gotten into fights cause of the comments made about him. Since he is a little “different". Don't worry I got your back bro. The most memorable moment with CJ was when we went to rye play land and he wandered off, straight disappeared. Moms was so nervous and with good reason. I don't quite remember how, but we eventually found the little bugger and all was well. His impact on me was important I think because I will never ever meet someone as sincere as he is. He has a heart of platinum and despite everything he's still positive. He taught me how to be positive about anything. Whenever I'm down and out I usually think of him. I'm always looking on the Brightside now.
My brother Jermaine: This guy right here is an amazing dude. A charismatic, humorous and fun kind of guy. He loves everything I do, so that means he looks up to me. That's a lot of pressure. I'm just me. In the early years he used to be outside with me playing ball we used to be in some battles together on the court especially down south. He's passionate, (I think even more so then me) and loyal too. No matter how much of a jerk I am to him we're still good money. His passion and forgiving nature will probably cost him. I hope it doesn't. There's a girl in his life.. He pretty much loves her to death to this day. He has gone through it with this girl. From what I know she was with a guy before him and ended up still having feelings for the dude. So Jermaine was pretty much the guy after. I was pretty upset with him because he's my brother and he deserves better. His situation was similar to mine except I was the first guy.. We both dealt with confused ass females and we became closer because of that. I'm a little mad at him now not super mad but kind of upset that he saw her doing something she was not supposed to. I think I was upset that he forgave her of course and they are still together. To make matters more complicated, she’s pregnant. I’m like WTF and I was a bit disappointed. But I’m here to support him. I hope it all goes good with them two. My brother Jermaine taught me how to forgive and how to be a better role model. I miss my brothers so much. I hope they know that. I think they do.
My Dad: He's a good man and a great father I love him to death. I've also been neglecting him. Damn I need to pick up a phone. When I become a father I want to do the things he's done for us. He's sacrificed so much for us. Pretty much put his life on hold for us to stay home and take care of us. He was always grumpy but maybe now I understand more then ever. If I sacrificed so much to hold it down for my wife and she still didn’t seem to be satisfied. Then turns around and asks me hey move with me out of New York I would take that as the last straw.. And put my foot down. She wasn't happy. So she stopped loving me. I'd be very frustrated. If my kids favored my wife after all I've done for them everything I put on hold. I'd be disgruntled too. My mom didn't cook much my dad did. My mom was the bread winner though. You know what that made us into? Positive black men. So it's very foreign to me when the studies and numbers come in about black men not being there for their kids. We grew up with our dad giving us so much of his heart and I thank god for that. I wouldn't think the way I do if it wasn't for that. But, He's also flawed. A few things he's done that pretty much upset me and still does to this day. A habit he has that I can't go into detail about... But you'll get the jist of it. He used to always ask us for the money we used to get for Xmas and birthdays and never ever paid us back after promising he would. You don't do that. Avoid making promises to a child if you can’t keep the promise. They will remember... We'd understand the house needs money situation. Just don't lie and promise to pay us back. He did it all the time. I couldn't figure out why. There were a few occasions where I've had sticky fingers and stole shit. But I stopped after awhile. So did my brother. There were situations where my mom had money stolen from her and none of us did it. I may be wrong. But one of us took the fall because we didn't want all of us to. I still suspect it was my dad. Sat back and let us take the fall. Why did he need the money so bad? I'm pretty sure mom wouldn't mind shelling out for something important. Then one day. I think I was still in high school I went in the room looking for some porn LOL I found something else. At first, I didn't know what I was looking at. I peeped a piece of foil with some powder in it and a cut straw with a filter thingy. I'm like what is all this paid it no mind at first. It hit me late. But I figured out what it was. It was pretty much a hard drug which explained so much. My respect for my dad went out the window from there. It explained why we got evicted from our place and was forced to live with our grandma which wasn't all bad. It was great actually. My mom was away at school at this point.. And my dad was going through his issues. So my grandma was a positive influence on my brothers and I. My lost of respect pretty much pushed me towards my mom a lot more. There was a point where we had to choose between who to live with and I chose my mom because I didn't think he was reliable. I'll get into that later on in the blog. At the end of the day he's my father. I love him and I learned that sacrifice is vital to keep a family together. Despite all that's happened I still believe in that.
My mother: I think she had to be the most influential person of my life. I love her so much. I looked up to her. I still do. I pretty much use my mom as the blueprint of what I look for in a woman; caring, nurturing, stern, strong, independent and ambitious type of woman. A perfectionist and never satisfied and she was always hungry. This also can be her biggest flaw and may bare a challenge to me if my woman was that way but it'll keep me going, teach me never to be comfortable. Those are all the qualities of my mother. My mother has also sacrificed a great deal for us. Put her life on hold to take care of us. At times, I feel at fault for the fallout between my parents. Sometimes, I felt our burden made them unhappy. I know that was not the case but still yo. My mother was the bread winner in the family. She even worked two jobs at one point to support us. I never met someone so driven to succeed even when she couldn't figure out what to do with herself. My creativity and intelligence have to come from her. I wish I was driven like she is earlier in my life but the important thing is that I am now. My mother taught me a lot of things. She taught me how to cook, clean, she's even sat me down schooled me about sex. She did it with confidence at least that's how it seemed. She probably felt so awkward but I didn't. I took it all in. She told me the importance of sex and how it should be done with someone I love. I took that so seriously. I waited a long time to have sex. Lost my virginity late at 21, with someone I will discuss later on. But my mom was a major reason why I waited. She has a heart of gold. She would tell us no Christmas every year because we were fucking up in school and turn around and get us a gift anyway. I guess she couldn't stand us being sad for Christmas. There were some things that she's done that have upset me. Around the end of junior high school my mom realized what career she wanted to pursue psychology. The driving force behind this was my brother Curtis. I guess she was fed up with the bullshit with the schools diagnosis of what my brother had and ended up doing her own research and ended up falling in love with it. Me for a time, I was very obsessed with human behavior I used to read about certain things dealing with psychology. It helped me read people and feel empathy towards them. My mother ended up going to school to pursue her career. She started off in New York, attending the college of New Rochelle and was working at the same time. Eventually she had to move to Missouri to finish her education. She was gone. Not completely gone but she was definitely missed. At first, it didn't effect me. Until one day, as I was searching for something I left in my dads room I found a letter. I didn't read all of it but I read enough. But it basically made me realize the unthinkable. My parents were splitting up. This shit changed me. I lost focus in school. I never graduated. That's right I never graduated. No one knew this except family and my last girlfriend. Not my ace boon coons, nobody. But I'll touch on that later. Now back to my mom. Basically, as I said in the passage about my dad I ended up going down south the year I was supposed to graduate. For two years. Why move down there? Cause I missed my mom like all hell. I wanted Stability and a change of scenery. But most importantly I moved for my brothers. I wanted a better life for them. And I knew they'd do what I'd do and follow. So that's why I headed down south. I was depressed down there. I started doing subtle things to disrespect my mom. Mainly eat her shit out the fridge without asking. She says maybe I resented her and that's why I did it. Maybe, but I think it was cause I was greedy. My mom became very frustrated with my behavior. She grew very sad that I couldn't express to her what was wrong, so all she could do was assume that I felt malice toward her. It took a speech from one of her boyfriends to tell me the choices I had and one was New York. I came back with a sour taste in my mouth. How can mom get some dude who don't fucking know me to send me away. I've always thought she put those dudes ahead of us at times. Betrayal was the first thing that I thought for a while. Then as time passed I think I've realized I was a burden weighing heavy on anyone I lived with. So I understood my mom’s decision in the end. She probably didn't have the heart to tell me herself. Now my relationship is ok. She's happily remarried with someone else I barely know. Maybe I was wrong for not congratulating her marriage. But what did she want me to do? Fake my happiness. He wasn't dad so I was a bit bitter towards it. But in the end I realized it's her happiness that mattered, not mine. I also found out from my youngest brother that he’s holding her down right now so I’m definitely relieved because of that. Now, I think she thinks I'm upset with her or my brothers tell her I don't answer calls but she doesn't call me at all. There was a time I think two thanksgivings ago I called her and never got a call back, that's when I gave up. I'd speak with her on occasion via Internet but it's not the same. I'd get a call on my birthday but that's it. I guess she's like me. But even I call Jermaine and Curtis sometimes. It's been a almost a year since she's picked up and actually initiated a phone call without me calling first. It kind of hurts at times but then I suck it up and give her the benefit of the doubt. There has to be a reason. Mom I love you so much I look up to you and I'll always follow your formula for success. I appreciate everything the kisses, the support, the knowledge, the ass whooping, the sacrifices, everything. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!!
Volume 2, coming soon
